afterthoughts

A ritual where people gather to be upset, and just cry in a room together for hours... is the most depressing thing I can possibly imagine. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I might end up running out of the church and leaving. Those kind of things scare me so much... I almost said to death.. :( Which makes me wanna cry even more. My first funeral. A first I never wanted to have.

Sad

Katja passed away yesterday, 3pm. She was a good friend of my family and such a sweet and strong person. I knew it was going to happen, she had cancer. But still, I can't believe it... I visited her when I was in Marathon for Selina's graduation and got to say goodbye and even then, I couldn't stop thinking that it would be the last time I ever saw her.

I've never been to a funeral before, hers will be my first. I'm traveling to Marathon with my mom and sister to be there and it will be a long and trying trip. It's so sad that I get to go back to Marathon, like I wanted, but just for that reason. I feel so nervous and achy right now. My heart is pounding, and I've felt anxious all day. I thought I would be sick at work. Trying to learn how the tills work and the order of things when all I could think about is this random trip I'm taking.

I usually love surprises, I love spontaneous road trips and taking time off work but not under these circumstances obviously. I can't help but feel someone was like " Here, you got what you wanted, your second trip to Marathon in a summer, happy now?" :(

I won't be seeing my friends there, except Tiff most likely. No matter our distance, we're still close as ever and I want to see her at least. My other sister is an obvious one, and this will be the first time the 4 of us (mom, 2 sisters and I) will be together at the same time in over 4 years. I can't believe it.

And my boyfriend. I have to leave him again for 4 days or so. We haven't seen a whole lot of each other because of opposite shifts and just yesterday I went out to see my girlfriend. We were downtown for a few hours, on his one day off and I said, nooo don't worry about it. I'll see you all weekend. I know that shouldn't be a huge deal but it just adds to my anxiety right now. I feel terrible for not spending all the time I can with him. Especially since we've been disagreeing on so many things lately... You know, I love him so much... and sometimes I wonder if I'm a stress on him, or if I bicker too much. And I freak out over it, I really don't mean to upset him and maybe I don't as much as I think I do but who knows, maybe time away is good too. Well, of course it is sometimes but I hope this trip is okay... I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore.

I guess this is just a way to release a bit of my shakiness. I wish he wasn't at work! I'm going to get the house nice and clean and the cats all prepared for him so he doesn't have to do a lot of work... And yeah, I'm gonna go. Just needed to let that out.

Oh dear...

Sometimes I get myself into these pickles. They aren't extremely complicated and not usually too dangerous either but they certainly make life more annoying than it needs to be. Take my spending habits for example. I really thought I was average, honestly. Until my significantly smarter other points out that I go out for coffee too often, and sometimes I skim way to close to my limit when it's rent time and have to borrow money. It's hard being young and on your own :( Everything seems to be a temptation and even deals aren't real deals to you. Yepp. It's plain and simple, I need to become stingy. Like super stingy. I don't have money to enjoy anything that comes my way, no space for mistakes, no chance to be human. I need a perfect budget.

Money has always been my enemy, I hate it quite a lot. More than I hate the wind, or a humid day where everything feels like it's stuck to you. Money and me, we aren't friends. But unlike those humid days, money never sticks to me. We repel one another. He never leaves me completely alone either. Just giving me enough comfort to live a somewhat over-stressed life. False promises, price increases at every turn... It seems that even if I do try to budget, I only cover the basics. Does that make me irresponsible because I want to try Tim Horton's new flavor of ice capp or maybe get those cute little shoesies I found at the mall on sale?!? Even if maybe I'll have to wait an extra week to pay my phone bill? I don't know... I never thought so until recently...

I thrive on these tiny indulgences. I need that random excitement in my life, that "ohh-maybe-I-shouldn't-be-doing-this" feeling of being just the slightest bit of naughty. :) I don't like doing things that hurt people or myself; I'm not a fan of stealing or cheating but a few scratches and bruises make the bumpy journey through life a little more worth living. And all my life, I've lived that way. I never had the extra cash to put aside for next month and still be able to take a vacation and buy those new shoes and eat a great meal every day. I have always been a person that has to part with one thing or another because of something I want or need. Sometimes it's one, sometimes it's the other, depending on where I am. Sometimes I will pay a bill days late so I can go to a movie or have a drink with a friend. Sometimes I will give up a meal or two so that I can have rent in and still pay for my monthly prescriptions. I never know what life is going to throw at me, so I play with that uncertainty and make it work for me. I've been fine with this through all my years.

My mother did it and we somehow are alive and happy today, just as okay as most other people with ten times the money we grew up with. In a lot of cases, I'd say it made us better people, and maybe others don't think so but what does it matter what others think anyways? I could be better with my money of course, but my life would be a lot more boring and what's the point in living carefully and without fault if you have nothing exciting to tell from it.