Sad

Katja passed away yesterday, 3pm. She was a good friend of my family and such a sweet and strong person. I knew it was going to happen, she had cancer. But still, I can't believe it... I visited her when I was in Marathon for Selina's graduation and got to say goodbye and even then, I couldn't stop thinking that it would be the last time I ever saw her.

I've never been to a funeral before, hers will be my first. I'm traveling to Marathon with my mom and sister to be there and it will be a long and trying trip. It's so sad that I get to go back to Marathon, like I wanted, but just for that reason. I feel so nervous and achy right now. My heart is pounding, and I've felt anxious all day. I thought I would be sick at work. Trying to learn how the tills work and the order of things when all I could think about is this random trip I'm taking.

I usually love surprises, I love spontaneous road trips and taking time off work but not under these circumstances obviously. I can't help but feel someone was like " Here, you got what you wanted, your second trip to Marathon in a summer, happy now?" :(

I won't be seeing my friends there, except Tiff most likely. No matter our distance, we're still close as ever and I want to see her at least. My other sister is an obvious one, and this will be the first time the 4 of us (mom, 2 sisters and I) will be together at the same time in over 4 years. I can't believe it.

And my boyfriend. I have to leave him again for 4 days or so. We haven't seen a whole lot of each other because of opposite shifts and just yesterday I went out to see my girlfriend. We were downtown for a few hours, on his one day off and I said, nooo don't worry about it. I'll see you all weekend. I know that shouldn't be a huge deal but it just adds to my anxiety right now. I feel terrible for not spending all the time I can with him. Especially since we've been disagreeing on so many things lately... You know, I love him so much... and sometimes I wonder if I'm a stress on him, or if I bicker too much. And I freak out over it, I really don't mean to upset him and maybe I don't as much as I think I do but who knows, maybe time away is good too. Well, of course it is sometimes but I hope this trip is okay... I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore.

I guess this is just a way to release a bit of my shakiness. I wish he wasn't at work! I'm going to get the house nice and clean and the cats all prepared for him so he doesn't have to do a lot of work... And yeah, I'm gonna go. Just needed to let that out.